The Subtraction Principle: Why Less is Often More
You're stuck in a loop. No matter what you do, it never seems to be quite enough.
Your partner says the relationship feels disconnected, so you book a nicer vacation and work harder to provide. But the disconnection remains.
Your project at work isn't quite perfect, so you stay late, pull weekends, optimize every detail. But the satisfaction doesn't come.
You're feeling alone and overwhelmed, so you scroll more, drink more, party harder—anything to escape the feeling. But the emptiness persists.
You're doing more. Adding more effort, more hours, more intensity, more stuff. And yet the problems aren't solving. If anything, they're getting worse.
The frustrating part? Everyone around you seems to validate this approach. Work harder. Try more. Add more. Maximal effort. More input equals better output. More must equal better.
This is what success looks like, isn't it?
But what if the problem isn't that you're not doing enough? What if the problem is that you're doing too much?
Solving Problems Through Addition
I know this frustration intimately. As men, we're culturally conditioned to believe that problems are solved through addition.
More work solves financial problems.
More intensity solves relationship issues.
More activity solves loneliness.
More control solves anxiety.
This belief makes intuitive sense. Throughout your life, you've seen evidence that more effort produces results. Study harder, get better grades. Train harder, get stronger muscles. Network more, get better job opportunities. The formula has worked before, so it becomes your default response to every problem: add more.
But there's a psychological phenomenon at play here that research reveals is working against you. It's called "additive bias," and according to studies in cognitive psychology, it's one of the most counterproductive patterns humans can fall into.
And here's the painful part: in many areas of life, especially relationships and personal wellbeing, addition is actively making things worse. You're adding when you should be subtracting. You're intensifying when you should be simplifying. You're filling space when you should be creating space.
Think about your own experience. When your partner expresses that they feel disconnected, your instinct is to do more—plan dates, buy gifts, work harder to provide. But what they're often really saying is: "I need you, not more stuff. I need your presence, not your effort." The addition creates the illusion of action while the real need goes unmet.
Or at work. That project that's keeping you up at night—is it actually not good enough, or have you simply lost the ability to see it clearly because you've been staring at it for seventy hours? Would stepping back and simplifying actually produce better results than the overtime grind?
The exhaustion you're feeling, the disconnection in your relationships, the underlying anxiety you're trying to escape with more distractions—these aren't signs that you need to do more. They are signs that you need to do less of the things that aren't working and create space for the things that actually matter.
We All Do It
As a therapist working with men, I see this pattern constantly.
High achievers walk into my office burnt out, wondering why success hasn't delivered the satisfaction they were promised.
Fathers tell me they're working eighty-hour weeks for their families, while their kids barely know them.
Partners describe feeling invisible despite their significant others' constant effort.
Individuals struggle with anxiety and loneliness while maintaining an exhausting schedule of activities and substances designed to keep them from feeling anything at all.
The breakthrough in therapy often comes when men learn to question the additive bias that's been driving their decisions. This isn't about lowering standards or giving up. It's about directing your effort toward what actually matters rather than dissipating it across everything. It's about understanding that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop doing something that isn't working.
The principle is simple, but the practice requires real courage because it means admitting that all that extra effort might have been misplaced.
Making it Work
Here's how subtraction works in practice:
In Relationships: Two Ears, One Mouth
When your partner expresses disconnection, your instinct is to add—plan something, do something, fix something. Instead, try subtraction. Reduce your talking. Increase your listening. Put your phone away. Cancel other commitments. Create space for genuine presence. Don't add activities; subtract distractions. Stop trying to solve their problems and simply be with them in their experience.
At Work: Simplify and Reclaim Your Time
That project that requires seventy-hour weeks—does it really, or have you added unnecessary complexity? Could you simplify the process, cut features that don't matter, and leave on time? Could you spend fewer hours but with better focus?
Studies on productivity reveal that beyond a certain point, additional hours actually decrease output. You're not producing better work—you're producing more exhausted versions of yourself. Subtract the busywork, the perfectionism, the need to appear constantly busy. Simplify the project. Reclaim your evening.
With Loneliness and Disconnection: Remove the Substitutes
When you feel alone, the instinct is to fill the void—more drinks, more drugs, more scrolling, more activities, more distractions. But these aren't solutions; they're substitutes. They're filling the space where real connection could be.
Try the opposite. Subtract the substances and distractions. Reduce the hours spent scrolling or numbing. What emerges in that space? Often, it's clarity about what you actually need: genuine human connection, meaningful work, authentic experiences. The void wasn't the problem. It was actually pointing you toward the solution.
Less = More Time For What Matters
By subtracting unnecessary and counterproductive behaviors from your life, you make room for people and experiences that truly bring you joy.
This isn't about minimalism or deprivation. It's about liberation.
Imagine your evenings reclaimed from work because you've simplified at the office.
Your weekends freed because you're not compensating for disconnection with expensive distractions.
Your mind clearer because you've reduced the substances you use to numb. Y
our relationships deeper because you're fully present rather than partially distracted.
Imagine having time again. Having presence again. Having clarity about what you actually want instead of what you've been told you should want.
The men who understand the subtraction principle describe a shift from constantly striving to finally resting. From proving themselves through more to being enough as they are. From a life of addition—more hours, more stuff, more activity—to a life of intentionality where fewer things get your full attention.
The man you become when you stop adding and start subtracting is stronger, clearer, and more genuinely powerful than the one who's constantly grinding to do more.
Finding Your Way Forward in Victoria, BC
At the Scriven Program, we help men distinguish between the additive patterns that are exhausting them and the subtractive choices that actually lead to meaningful change. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, our practice specializes in helping men question the cultural narratives about "more is better" and discover what actually works.
Our services for men ready to explore subtraction include:
Individual therapy to uncover additive patterns and explore what happens when you subtract them
Relationship coaching to help you shift from doing more to being more present
Career clarity work to help you work smarter, not just harder
Support for personal wellbeing as you reduce substances and distractions and build genuine connection
The shift from addition to subtraction isn't about doing less overall—it's about directing your energy toward what actually matters. And that's where real transformation happens.
Contact the Scriven Program to begin discovering what emerges when you stop adding and start subtracting.
