The Masks We Wear: Freedom from Being "Fine"
You've built an impressive life. From the outside, everything looks successful. You have the career, the family, the life that everyone said you should want. People see you as someone who has it all together.
But inside? You're exhausted from performing.
Every morning, you put on the mask.
The successful professional.
The fully present father.
The supportive partner.
The guy who's got it handled.
These masks feel essential. They're how you've learned to navigate the world, how you've built your life, how you've earned respect and avoided judgment. Taking them off feels impossibly risky. What if people see who you really are underneath? What if they realize you're struggling? What if they judge you? What if they reject you?
The problem is:
The masks that were supposed to protect you have become a prison.
You're so good at performing that you've lost touch with who you actually are underneath. The exhaustion is constant. The disconnection is deepening. And somewhere beneath all those carefully constructed faces, there's a version of you that's suffocating.
I See You
I know this struggle intimately—not just as a therapist, but because I've lived it.
For years, I wore the masks too. I presented myself as the successful tech executive who had it all figured out. The fully present father who never missed a moment. The supportive husband who kept everything stable. These weren't lies, exactly. They were parts of me. But they were carefully curated parts, the acceptable faces I showed the world while hiding everything that didn't fit the image.
What I was really masking was a covert depression that was slowly consuming me from the inside. I was performing success while feeling empty. I was projecting presence while feeling absent from my own life. I was offering support while desperately needing it myself.
Eventually, the masks couldn't hold. The performance became unsustainable. The depression I'd been hiding boiled over, and the life I'd carefully constructed collapsed. I was fired. My marriage ended. Everything I'd been protecting by wearing those masks fell apart anyway.
So if you're trapped behind your masks, afraid that you'll be judged once you take them off, afraid that people will reject the real you, afraid that you're not enough without the performance—I see you.
I've been there. I know that fear.
And I want you to know something: that fear makes complete sense given what you've been taught about masculinity, success, and what it means to be enough.
From boyhood, most men learn that vulnerability is weakness. That asking for help is failure. That showing struggle is shameful. That the mask of having-it-together is the price of admission to respect, love, and belonging. Research from Brené Brown and others on shame and vulnerability confirms what most men experience: we're conditioned to believe that our worth depends on never letting anyone see us sweat.
I See It Every Day
As a therapist who specializes in working with men, I've guided countless clients through the process of identifying and removing the masks that are suffocating them.
After my life collapsed under the weight of the masks I was wearing, I did the work I now help other men do. I learned to identify when I was performing versus being authentic. I practiced vulnerability in safe spaces. I rebuilt my life—not around impressive masks, but around genuine connection and self-awareness.
Today, I work with men who are where I was: successful on paper, struggling underneath, and terrified that removing the mask will cost them everything. What I've learned, both personally and professionally, is that the opposite is true. The mask is what costs you everything. Removing it is what finally allows you to build something real.
I Know You Can Take the Mask Off
So how do men start removing masks they've worn their entire lives? It happens gradually, in small acts of courage:
Answer Honestly When Asked "How Are You?"
The next time someone asks "how are you doing," try answering with something other than "fine." This doesn't mean unloading on the grocery store clerk. It means that when someone you trust asks, you practice honesty.
"Actually, I've been struggling a bit."
“Honestly, it's been a tough week."
"I'm working through some stuff."
This feels impossibly vulnerable at first. Men describe their heart racing, their voice catching, the urge to immediately backtrack and add "but it's fine, really." That discomfort is the mask fighting to stay in place. Push through it. The relief that follows—the experience of being seen as you actually are—is worth it.
Define Your Own Expectations
One of the most powerful masks men wear is the "should" mask—the face that conforms to what society, family, or culture says they should be, should want, should achieve. Removing this mask requires asking: "What's actually important to me? Not to my father, not to society, not to some image of success I inherited—but to me?"
This question is deceptively difficult because many men have spent so long performing expectations that they've lost touch with their own values. The work here is distinguishing between what you've been told matters and what actually resonates with your authentic self. This might mean redefining success, changing careers, restructuring relationships, or simply giving yourself permission to want something different than what you thought you should want.
Practice Vulnerability in Safe Spaces
You don't have to remove all masks with everyone immediately. Start small. Identify the people in your life who have earned your trust—a close friend, a partner, a therapist, a support group. Practice taking off the mask with them first.
Share something real. Admit a struggle. Ask for help. Express a fear. Let yourself be imperfect in front of someone who matters. The experience of being seen—really seen, without the performance—and still being accepted is transformative. It rewires the belief that you have to perform to be worthy of love.
These practices build on each other. Each small act of authenticity makes the next one easier. Each experience of being seen and accepted while imperfect weakens the belief that the masks are necessary.
I See You, Stronger
Eventually, men who do this work stop being members of generation "fine." They discover the profound freedom that comes from taking off the mask.
Imagine waking up and not having to perform. Not calculating which version of yourself to present. Not monitoring every word to maintain the image. Just being—imperfect, authentic, real.
Imagine relationships where people actually know you, not just the impressive version you've been performing. Where your partner feels close to you because you've let them in. Where your children see a full human being, not just a strong facade. Where friendships go deeper than surface-level banter because you've risked being real.
Imagine work that aligns with your actual values instead of inherited expectations. Energy that's not exhausted by constant performance. A sense of self that's solid because it's real, not fragile because it's fabricated.
The men who remove their masks describe it as finally being able to breathe.
The freedom isn't in building better masks. It's in the courage to take them off and discover that you're enough—exactly as you are—without them.
What mask are you wearing? And more importantly: what becomes possible when you finally set it down?
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Finding Freedom to Be Yourself in Victoria, BC
At the Scriven Program, we specialize in helping men identify and remove the masks that are exhausting them. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, our practice provides the safe space men need to explore who they are beneath the performance.
Our services for men ready to remove their masks include:
Individual therapy that creates safety for authentic exploration of who you are without the performance
Support for uncovering covert depression and anxiety that's been hiding beneath the masks of success
Guidance for building authentic relationships where you can be fully seen and still accepted
Work on defining your own values separate from inherited expectations and cultural "shoulds"
Help for fathers who want to show up as whole human beings, not just strong facades
You don't have to keep performing. You don't have to keep answering "fine" when you're not. You don't have to earn your worth through masks.
The work of removing them is challenging, but the freedom on the other side is transformative.
Contact the Scriven Program to begin the journey from performance to authenticity, from exhaustion to freedom, from masks to your true self.
