You're No Picnic: Why Being a "Good Man" Isn't Working
Let's be honest: You're no picnic.
Neither am I. Neither is anyone.
But here's the thing—we never see it that way, do we? We always think the other person is the problem. The nagging wife who's never satisfied. The absent father who wasn't there for us. The micromanaging boss who won't get off our backs. The ungrateful kids who don't appreciate our sacrifices. The demanding partner who wants us to be someone we're not.
No one sees themselves as the problem. We see ourselves as the protagonist doing our best in a world full of difficult people who just don't understand us.
And from your point of view? You're absolutely right. Your perspective is rooted in your own experience. It's what you know best.
You've been doing everything you were taught to do. Following the blueprint. Playing by the rules. Being the man you were supposed to be.
And yet.
Your wife left you, or is threatening to. You didn't get the promotion you deserved. Your kids prefer spending time with their friends over talking to you. Your team at work seems distant. The relationships that should be working aren't working, and you can't figure out why.
You look around and think: "I'm doing everything right. Why isn't it working? Why are they the ones making this so difficult?"
The frustration is real. The confusion is genuine. You're exhausted from trying to be a good man by the standards you were taught, only to find that everyone around you seems unsatisfied with exactly that.
The Playbook is Wrong
I understand this frustration deeply because it's what I hear every single day in my practice. Men sit across from me—successful, accomplished, trying their absolute hardest—and say some version of: "I am doing everything I was taught to be a good man, and I don't understand why my wife left me, why I didn't get the promotion, why my kids won't talk to me."
The pain in these statements is profound. These aren't men who aren't trying. They're men who are trying with everything they have, using the only playbook they were given, and watching it fail spectacularly.
From boyhood, most men are taught a specific version of what it means to be good. Be stoic—don't show too much emotion. Be masculine—strong, decisive, in control. Be impenetrable—don't let anyone see you struggle, doubt, or need help. Provide for your family. Solve problems. Be the rock everyone can depend on. Never burden others with your feelings. Keep moving forward no matter what.
This template for masculinity was taught by fathers, reinforced by culture, modeled in media, and validated by success in certain domains—particularly in traditional workplaces where emotional restraint and decisive action were rewarded.
But then something shifted. The rules that worked in one era of your life stopped working in another.
The stoicism that made you appear strong started making you seem emotionally unavailable.
The self-reliance that demonstrated competence started creating distance.
The problem-solving that showed you cared started feeling dismissive to people who just wanted to be heard.
The world changed. The expectations of what makes a good partner, father, colleague, and leader evolved. But the instruction manual you were given didn't get updated.
You Are Not Alone
As a therapist who works specifically with men navigating these exact challenges, I've sat with hundreds of men wrestling with this painful realization. I've guided them through the process of understanding that their struggle isn't personal failure—it's the collision between outdated masculine ideals and contemporary relationship realities.
But what I know on this topic doesn't just come from professional training. It comes from my own journey of discovering that the version of masculinity I'd perfected was precisely what was creating distance in my most important relationships. I had to unlearn what I'd been taught was "good" and learn what actually worked in the real world of intimate partnership, engaged fatherhood, and authentic leadership.
The men I work with aren't failures. They're men who had the courage to ask: "What if the problem isn't that I'm not good enough at being the man I was taught to be? What if the problem is that the model itself is flawed?"
Curiosity and Connection
So how do men move from "I'm doing everything right and everyone else is the problem" to actually creating the relationships and life they want? It starts with two fundamental shifts:
Embrace Curiosity About How Others Experience You
This is the hardest and most transformative shift: getting genuinely curious about how you land on other people, rather than defending how you intend to land.
When your partner says they feel disconnected, the defensive response is: "But I work sixty hours a week for this family! I'm doing everything!" The curious response is: "Help me understand what disconnection feels like for you. What do you need from me that you're not getting?"
When your boss passes you over for promotion, the defensive response is: "I deliver results! What more do they want?" The curious response is: "Help me understand what I could be doing differently. What gaps do you see in my leadership?"
When your kid seems distant, the defensive response is: "I provide everything they need! They're just ungrateful!" The curious response is: "Help me understand what our relationship feels like from your side. What would make you feel more connected to me?"
"Help me understand" is a game changer.
It's an acknowledgment that your experience of yourself isn't the only valid perspective. That how you intend to show up might be different from how you're actually being experienced. That the other person's reality is real, even if it's different from yours.
This doesn't mean accepting blame for everything. It means getting curious instead of defensive. It means recognizing that you might be "no picnic" in ways you can't see because they're in your blind spots.
Recognize That Traditional Masculinity Is a Lousy Deal for Everyone
The second shift is recognizing that what you were taught as a boy about being a good man makes you a lousy partner, father, and colleague in the modern world.
Being stoic doesn't make you strong—it makes you unavailable. Being impenetrable doesn't make you reliable—it makes you unknowable. Being emotionally restrained doesn't make you masculine—it makes you inaccessible.
Your wife doesn't want a rock—she wants a human being who shares his feelings. Your kids don't want a provider who's always working—they want a dad who's present. Your team doesn't want someone who never admits uncertainty—they want a leader who's genuine.
This recognition requires grieving, in a way. It means acknowledging that the men who taught you—your father, your coaches, the cultural figures you admired—might have given you incomplete or even harmful instruction. Not because they were bad men, but because they were passing on what they knew, and what they knew was limited by their own context.
The stoic, masculine, impenetrable ideal might have worked in their world. It doesn't work in yours. And continuing to optimize for it is costing you the relationships you actually want.
The good news? Once you recognize this, you can choose differently. You can develop emotional availability without losing strength. You can show vulnerability without losing respect. You can ask for help without losing competence. You can be fully human and fully masculine—not the narrow, restricted version you inherited, but an evolved, integrated version you consciously choose.
Allies Instead of Adversaries
When men make these two shifts—embracing curiosity and releasing outdated masculine ideals—something remarkable happens: the people in their lives become allies instead of adversaries.
Being curious and open empowers the people in your life to give you what you want.
When you stop defending and start listening, your partner feels safe telling you what they actually need. When you show genuine curiosity about your impact, your colleagues feel comfortable giving you honest feedback that helps you grow. When you're willing to be vulnerable, your kids feel they can be vulnerable too, and connection becomes possible.
The man who can say "help me understand" instead of "let me explain why I'm right" becomes someone people want to be close to. The man who can acknowledge "the way I was taught to be a man isn't working" becomes someone who can actually grow and adapt.
You're not perfect. Neither is anyone else. But when you stop needing to be right and start getting curious about your impact, when you release the narrow definition of masculinity that's constraining you, you become someone people can actually relate to.
And that—being genuinely relatable, accessible, and open—is what creates the satisfaction, connection, and success you've been working so hard to achieve.
You might be no picnic. But you can be someone people actually want to share a meal with.
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Be The Man You Want to Be in Victoria, BC
At the Scriven Program, we help men navigate the gap between who they were taught to be and who they need to become to have the relationships and life they actually want. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, our practice specializes in helping men develop curiosity, emotional availability, and modern masculinity.
Our services for men ready to evolve beyond outdated models include:
Individual therapy to explore how you're being experienced by others and develop genuine curiosity about your impact
Relationship work to shift from defensive to curious, from right to connected
Communication coaching to learn the "help me understand" approach that transforms relationships
Support for fathers moving beyond authority and provision toward genuine presence and connection
Leadership development that integrates emotional intelligence with professional competence
The shift from "everyone else is the problem" to "how am I contributing to this pattern" is challenging. But it's also the only path to getting what you actually want: real connection, genuine respect, and relationships that work.
Contact the Scriven Program to begin the journey from defending who you've been to becoming who you want to be.
