What Happens When Your Partner Wants More

Your partner had an affair. Or you did. And your world has shattered.

The betrayal feels absolute. The pain is excruciating. The questions are relentless: How could this happen? Why wasn't I enough? How could they do this to me? To us? To our family?

And underneath all those questions is the assumption that drives most of the pain: They turned away from me. They rejected me. They chose someone else because I wasn't good enough.

For men especially, discovering your wife's affair can feel like a complete invalidation of everything you've been doing. You followed the code. You were strong, stoic, a good provider. You worked hard, brought home a paycheck, kept things stable. You did everything you were taught a good man should do.

And it wasn't enough. She needed more—more attention, more desire, more connectedness—and she got it, temporarily, from someone else.

The devastation is compounded by confusion. You thought you were doing it right. You thought being a good provider was what mattered. You thought strength and stability would be enough. And now you're discovering that the blueprint you've been following is incomplete, and the cost of that incompleteness is the relationship you built your life around.

Seeking a Better Version

For the person who cheated, sometimes what drives the affair isn’t about turning away from a partner—it’s about desperately searching for a better version of themselves.

Life goes sideways and they ask themselves, "Is this it? Is this all there is?" And in the face of mortality and loss, they try to beat back death by feeling more alive.

An affair isn’t a rejection of your partner. It can be an attempt to feel something other than the numbness and disconnection you were experiencing in your own life.

This doesn't excuse it. It doesn't minimize the harm. But understanding the motivation matters because it changes what the affair actually means about your relationship.

I also see this pattern constantly in the men I work with who are blindsided by their wife's affair. They're devastated, confused, and angry. All of a sudden, the code they lived by—being strong and stoic and a good provider—isn't enough. Their wives needed more. More emotional connection. More presence. More of feeling truly seen and desired.

And for a moment, they found that somewhere else.

Research on infidelity shows that affairs are rarely about the attractiveness or adequacy of the betrayed partner. According to relationship expert Esther Perel (see the video below), affairs are often less about the person being cheated on and more about the person doing the cheating seeking a version of themselves they've lost—someone more adventurous, more alive, more connected to their own desires and feelings.

This doesn't make the pain less real. It doesn't excuse the betrayal. But it does reframe what the affair means. It's not primarily about you being inadequate. It's about your partner (or you, if you were the one who strayed) being disconnected from themselves and seeking that connection in the wrong place.

The affair is a symptom, not the disease. The disease is disconnection—from yourself, from your partner, from what makes you feel truly alive. And while the symptom is devastating, understanding the underlying disease creates the possibility for actual healing rather than just treating the wound.

It’s Not the End

As a therapist who has worked with numerous couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity—and as someone who has personal experience in an affair, I can tell you that affairs don't have to be the end of a relationship. In fact, they can become a catalyst for creating something deeper and more authentic than what existed before.

This isn't about minimizing the trauma. The pain of betrayal is real and profound. The work of rebuilding trust is hard and takes time. But research on relationship recovery after infidelity shows that many couples not only survive affairs but emerge with stronger, more intimate relationships than they had before.

The key is understanding what the affair was actually about—not just the surface story of attraction or temptation, but the deeper story of disconnection, unmet needs, and the search for aliveness. When couples can move past the immediate crisis and explore these deeper questions together, the affair becomes an opportunity rather than just a catastrophe.

I've guided men through the process of understanding that their partner's affair wasn't primarily a rejection of them but a desperate attempt to find something missing in their own life. And I've helped men who have strayed understand what drove them to seek outside their relationship what they should have been cultivating within it.

What are the next steps?

So what are the next steps when an affair has happened? How do you move from devastation to recovery?

Realize That Most Relationships Can Survive an Affair

First, understand that survival is possible. In fact, it's common. Research shows that many couples successfully work through infidelity and create stronger relationships on the other side.

But survival requires a choice: Are you willing to turn this crisis into an opportunity to have a better relationship?

This doesn't mean the betrayed partner has to forgive immediately or pretend the pain doesn't exist. It means both partners choose to ask: "What was missing in our relationship that created the conditions for this to happen? And are we willing to build something better?"

When you make this choice, you're saying: "I am willing to work on us." Not the relationship we had before—that one clearly wasn't working for one or both of you. A new relationship, built with more awareness, more honesty, more connection.

Remember the Adventure, Daring, and Sweetness

Think back to your early relationship. Remember the adventure? The daring? The sweetness? The way you prioritized each other? The excitement of getting to know each other? The desire you felt?

What happened to that? When did the relationship become routine, automatic, taken for granted?

For many couples, the relationship becomes a vehicle for other things—raising children, building careers, maintaining a household. The partnership becomes functional but not passionate. Stable but not exciting. Secure but not alive.

The work now is to make adventure, daring, and sweetness part of your everyday life going forward. Not as a special occasion thing, but as a regular practice.

This means prioritizing date nights. Having real conversations, not just logistics. Showing desire for each other. Taking risks together. Trying new things. Being playful. Creating moments that make you both feel more alive.

When you do this, you're saying: "I want you to be happy." Not just tolerated or provided for, but genuinely happy, excited about life, feeling desired and seen.

Be Curious About What Your Partner Needs

This is perhaps the hardest and most important shift: getting genuinely curious about what your partner needs instead of defending what you've been providing.

Most men's first response to learning about an affair is defensive: "But I work sixty hours a week for this family! I've been a good provider! What more does she want?"

The answer is: emotional presence. Connection. Feeling truly seen. Feeling desired as a person, not just needed as a provider.

Ask your partner: What were you looking for that you weren't getting from me? What does connection feel like to you? What makes you feel seen and valued? What needs weren't being met?

And then—this is crucial—validate her desire to have those needs met. Not defensively ("Well, I was trying!") but with genuine acknowledgment ("I understand that you needed more emotional presence than I was giving. That makes sense.").

When you do this, you're saying: "I see you." Not as a function (wife, mother, housekeeper) but as a complete human being with needs, desires, and a right to have those needs met in your relationship.

Something Better

Yes, you've both changed. Yes, it took the possibility of losing each other to get you moving. And yes, the end result may be something deeper and richer than you could have imagined.

Couples who successfully work through affairs often describe their post-affair relationship as more honest, more intimate, and more intentional than what they had before. The crisis forced them to confront what wasn't working and make conscious choices about what they wanted to build.

Imagine a relationship where both partners feel truly seen—not just for what they provide but for who they are. Where emotional presence matters as much as financial provision. Where adventure and desire aren't relics of the early days but ongoing practices. Where both people feel alive, not just secure.

This doesn't erase the pain of betrayal. It doesn't make the affair "worth it." But it does mean that the affair doesn't have to define your relationship forever. It can become the catalyst that forced both of you to create something better—a relationship built on genuine connection rather than just duty and routine.

The affair revealed what was missing. Now you have the opportunity to build it together—a relationship where both partners feel seen, desired, connected, and alive.

And that—if you're both willing to do the work—is a relationship worth fighting for.

Rebuilding After Infidelity in Victoria, BC

At the Scriven Program, I work with men and couples navigating the aftermath of affairs, helping them understand what drove the infidelity and build stronger relationships on the other side. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, my practice specializes in helping men develop the emotional presence and connection their relationships need.

Services for rebuilding after infidelity:

Individual therapy for men processing betrayal or understanding why they strayed

Couples counseling for rebuilding trust and creating deeper connection

Support for developing emotional presence and vulnerability in relationships

Guidance for men learning that being a good provider isn't enough—your partner needs you emotionally present too

Affairs don't have to be the end. They can be the beginning of something more honest, more connected, and more alive than what came before.

Contact the Scriven Program to begin the work of rebuilding trust and creating the relationship you both deserve.