I Have No Idea What I Want
When I ask men what they want—from their relationship, from their career, from life—the most common response is: "I want to feel needed."
And when I push them to be more specific, to describe what they actually want the way Anna Kendrick's character does in Up in the Air -
"White collar. College grad. Loves dogs. Six foot one. Brown hair. Kind eyes. Works in finance but is outdoorsy on the weekends. Drives a Four Runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. A nice smile”
— they can't do it.
Or more accurately, they won't.
Because for men, being that specific about what you want feels dangerous. Risky. You risk being shunned for reducing women to objects, for focusing on money, time off, and benefits at work, for seeming shallow, for appearing selfish. So you default to risk-free banality: "I want her to be good with kids and like spending time with me” or “I want to do meaningful work.”
Safe. Vague. Meaningless.
The problem isn't that men don't have desires. The problem is that they've spent so long suppressing them, editing them, making them acceptable, that they've lost access to what they actually want.
And when a man sits across from me in the throes of divorce, or after selling his company, suddenly no longer needed at work or at home, he realizes he's spent a lifetime ignoring what he actually wants.
He built his entire identity around being needed by others and never asked: What do I want? What makes me feel alive?
Now, when no one needs him anymore, he has no idea who he is or what he wants. The foundation he built his life on has disappeared, and there's nothing underneath.
Suppression Starts Early
I understand why this happens. The cultural pressure on men to suppress desire is intense and starts early.
Boys learn that wanting things for yourself is selfish. That your role is to provide, to serve, to be useful. That your worth is measured by how much others need you, not by how alive you feel. You learn to derive satisfaction from being the problem-solver, the provider, the rock everyone leans on.
And for a while, this works. Being needed feels good. It gives you purpose, identity, a clear role.
Your wife needs you to provide.
Your kids need you to be stable.
Your company needs you to perform.
You know who you are: the person everyone counts on.
But there's a hidden cost. You stop asking what you want because wanting things for yourself conflicts with being needed. Your desires become inconvenient, selfish, a distraction from your duty. So you suppress them. You edit them into acceptable shapes. You convince yourself that what you want is to be needed.
Meanwhile, the things that actually make you feel alive—the truck you love driving, the canoe trip you dream about, the creative project you've been putting off, the specific vision of the life you want—get pushed aside as frivolous or impractical.
And then one day, you're not needed anymore. The kids grow up. The marriage ends. You retire or sell the business. And you realize you have no idea what you want because you've spent decades not asking.
Blanking on What You Want
As a therapist, I see this pattern constantly. Men in crisis who can tell me everything about what their wife wants, what their kids need, what their company requires—but go completely blank when I ask what they want.
They've outsourced their desires to others for so long that they've lost the muscle of knowing, articulating, and pursuing what makes them feel alive.
The work isn't about becoming selfish or abandoning responsibility. It's about reconnecting with the part of yourself that knows what you want and giving yourself permission to pursue it.
What’s the Next Step?
So what's the next step if you've spent a lifetime putting aside what you want?
Tap Into Your Primal Self
Make a list of things that make you feel alive, strong, and free. No editing. No wrong answers. Don't worry about whether they're practical, affordable, or acceptable. Just write what comes.
For example, one of the things on my list is my 15-year-old pickup truck. I love that thing every time I get into it. It's not the newest, fanciest, or most practical vehicle. But it makes me feel alive. It's mine. It's what I want.
What invokes that feeling of love in your life? What makes you feel like yourself? Write it down.
Make Time for the Low-Hanging Fruit
Look at your list and identify the things you can do now. Darts night with friends. Repair cafe on Saturday. Alone time in a canoe. These aren't dreams—they're available today.
Stop waiting for permission. Stop putting everyone else's needs first. Make time for what makes you feel alive, even if it seems small or insignificant to others.
Share the Dreamier Items
Take the bigger items on your list—the ones that feel impossible or far away—and share them with the people in your life. Say them out loud. "I want to build a cabin." "I want to learn to sail." "I want to spend a year hiking."
Saying what you want makes it real. And often, you'll discover that the people who love you want to help you get there, not keep you from it.
Refer back to your list every week. Watch how what you want begins to manifest into a joyful life.
Imagine Getting What You Want
Imagine waking up excited about your day, not because someone needs you but because you're pursuing things that make you feel alive.
Imagine no longer requiring the validation inherent in "being needed" because you're living a life that's intrinsically meaningful to you.
Imagine relationships built on genuine desire and shared adventures, not just mutual need.
The sky's the limit when you stop defining yourself by how much others need you and start defining yourself by what you actually want.
Your desires aren't selfish. They're the roadmap to the life you're supposed to be living.
What do you want? Answer specifically. Answer honestly. Then go get it.
Discovering What You Actually Want in Victoria, BC
At the Scriven Program, I help men reconnect with what they actually want after decades of suppressing desire in favor of being needed. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, my practice specializes in helping men rediscover aliveness beyond usefulness.
Services for men reclaiming their desires:
Individual therapy to explore what you've been suppressing and why
Support for men in transition who are no longer needed and don't know who they are
Guidance for building a life based on what you want, not just what others need
You don't exist to be needed. You exist to be alive.
Contact the Scriven Program to begin discovering what you actually want.
