Why Men Get Lost Following the Wrong Directions

Here's something that will blow your mind:

"Crazy Train" is a disco song. 🎶

That's right, the most recognizable heavy metal anthem—Ozzy Osbourne's headbanging classic—has a distinctly disco rhythm section, according to the hosts of the One Song podcast. And if you've seen the live version of ABBA's "Mamma Mia", they reference the Crazy Train guitar riff in their own disco-heavy performance.

It reminds me that how we see the world is often not the same as the world itself.

We think we're listening to pure metal. We're actually hearing disco. We think we know what something is, and then reality reveals something completely different.

This is what philosopher Alfred Korzybski meant when he said "the map is not the territory."

The dangerous comfort of following someone else's map

For most men, life comes with pre-drawn maps. These aren't literal maps, of course—they're cultural scripts, family expectations, and societal narratives about what it means to be successful, masculine, and fulfilled.

The career map says: climb the corporate ladder, achieve status, earn the six-figure salary, and fulfillment will follow.

The relationship map says: be strong, solve problems, maintain emotional control, never appear vulnerable or needy.

The fatherhood map says: provide financially, maintain authority, model strength, and your kids will respect you.

These maps promise clear paths to success. Follow the directions exactly, and you'll arrive at satisfaction, connection, and meaning.

But here's what they don't tell you about following these inherited maps:

The territory you're actually walking through looks nothing like the map you're holding.

The career map: success on paper, emptiness in reality

The traditional career map is seductively simple. It promises that your worth as a man is directly tied to your professional achievements. Get the promotion, earn the impressive salary, have the title on your business card, and you'll feel the validation and self-worth you're seeking.

Compare that clarity to the complexity of actual career fulfillment: purpose, meaning, work-life integration, personal values, mental health, and contribution to something larger than yourself.

For many men, this creates a painful disconnect:

Starting each day believing professional achievement will finally bring satisfaction

Reaching milestones only to feel emptier

Sitting in the corner office wondering why success feels so hollow

Experiencing burnout while everyone congratulates your accomplishments

Feeling ashamed that you can't appreciate what you've achieved

Research on work-related mental health shows that this kind of achievement-focused identity is strongly correlated with depression, anxiety, and a profound sense of meaninglessness—even among highly successful professionals.

This isn't because you're ungrateful or broken. It's because the map was faulty from the start.

The career map you inherited was drawn for different terrain, different values, and maybe a different version of success altogether. It promised that achievement equals fulfillment, but the actual territory reveals something more complex: fulfillment comes from alignment between your work and your deeper values, not from external validation alone.

The relationship map: strength through emotional shutdown

In relationships, most men operate with a deeply ingrained map of what masculinity requires.

The map says: be the rock, solve problems, maintain composure, demonstrate love through actions not words, and certainly don't cry or admit when you're struggling.

This map suggests that a good partner is someone who has it all together, who doesn't burden others with feelings, who provides stability through unwavering strength.

But here's the territory of actual intimate relationships:

Partners want emotional availability, not just problem-solving

Connection requires vulnerable conversation, not just competent action

Intimacy emerges from shared struggle, not projected invincibility

Love deepens when you admit you're lost, not when you pretend to have all the answers

The man following the relationship map faithfully often finds himself profoundly lonely even while in a committed partnership. He's confused by requests for "more emotional connection" when he's doing everything the map told him was right. He feels defensive when his partner seems dissatisfied despite his constant efforts to provide and protect.

This is what happens when we mistake the map for the relationship. Emotional invulnerability becomes more important than actual connection. We optimize for appearing strong rather than being genuinely known.

The fatherhood map: provider and authority over presence

The cultural map of fatherhood that many men inherit emphasizes being a provider, maintaining authority, and modeling controlled strength.

The map says: work hard to support your family financially, set boundaries and rules, don't show too much emotion or affection, and raise children—especially sons—to be tough and self-reliant.

Think about the best father-child relationships you've seen. The deepest connections happen when a father was willing to be genuinely present without guarantee of perfect parenting. When he showed up fully to his child's emotional world, even when it was uncomfortable or he didn't have answers.

The moment you start optimizing fatherhood for control and authority, measuring your success by obedience or achievement, genuine connection becomes elusive.

Consider the territory of what children actually need:

Emotional presence, not just financial provision

Seeing dad's full range of emotions, not just controlled strength

Affection openly expressed, not just implied through sacrifice

A father genuinely interested in their inner world, not just their behavior and grades

Playfulness and silliness alongside life lessons

The father working sixty-hour weeks believes he's demonstrating love through sacrifice. But his children simply feel his absence. He maintains emotional reserve to model strength, but his kids just feel they can't really know him. He focuses on discipline while his daughter desperately wants him to listen to her talk about her day.

This disconnect creates a painful pattern: working hard to be a good father according to the map, while watching his children grow distant in the actual territory of their relationship.

The complexity revolution

What would it look like to navigate by the actual territory instead of inherited maps? Not recklessly or without wisdom, but with honest attention to your real experience and the real needs of the people you love?

Career fulfillment might mean purpose over prestige, contribution over competition, or work-life integration over maximum earnings—even if that's not what the map prescribes.

Relationship intimacy emerges in vulnerability when you're not performing strength—in admitting you're struggling, asking for help, expressing genuine need for connection—even if that contradicts the masculinity map.

Father-child bonds deepen during moments of genuine presence and playfulness, not through strategic parenting techniques when you're calculating how to shape better behavior.

The best parts of life—marriage, parenting, friendship, meaningful work—are like genuine conversation. They unfold more naturally when you show up authentically to what's actually happening rather than following a script for what should happen.

The choice

You can keep following the inherited maps, optimizing your life for someone else's definition of success, measuring yourself against external standards that may have nothing to do with your actual values.

Or

You can put down the map, look around at the actual territory, and start making decisions based on your real experience, your real relationships, and the real person you want to become.

Your life doesn't need to be optimized for other people's expectations. It needs to be lived. And lived with attention to reality instead of inherited scripts is lived very well indeed.

The path from map-following to authentic navigation isn't about lowering your standards—it's about raising your willingness to trust your own experience. When you stop forcing your life to match someone else's directions, you finally have the space to discover where you actually want to go.

Finding Your Own Territory in Victoria, BC

At the Scriven Program, we understand that the pressure to follow inherited maps—in career, relationships, and fatherhood—can become overwhelming and disconnecting. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, our practice specializes in helping men distinguish between what they've been told they should want and what actually brings them fulfillment.

Our services for those questioning their maps include:

• Individual therapy for men navigating career transitions and identity questions using evidence-based approaches

• Coaching to help distinguish between inherited expectations and authentic values

• Programs for developing emotional availability in relationships without sacrificing your sense of self

• Support for fathers building genuine connection with their children

We provide the safe space you need to examine the maps you've been following and discover more authentic paths that honor both your ambitions and your deeper needs for connection and meaning.

Your worth isn't measured by how well you follow someone else's directions. Your genuine experience is valid exactly as it is.

Contact the Scriven Program to learn how we can help you navigate by your own compass while still achieving meaningful success.