Call People Up, Not Out: The Power of Responding to Mistakes with Grace

We've all been there. You screwed up, you knew it, and you felt terrible about it.

You dropped the ball in a critical moment at work—the presentation bombed, the client walked, the deadline was missed. You made the error that cost your team the game in the final seconds. You were thoughtless or harsh with your partner when they needed support. You forgot something important. You said the wrong thing. You let someone down.

The mistake itself is painful enough. You're already replaying it in your mind, beating yourself up, feeling the weight of disappointment and shame. You don't need anyone to tell you that you messed up—you're acutely aware.

And then someone calls you out. In front of the team. In the locker room. In the living room. They point out your failure, emphasize the consequences, maybe even add their own judgment about what kind of person makes that kind of mistake.

And somehow, you feel even worse. The shame deepens. The defensive walls go up. Instead of learning from the mistake, you're now managing the humiliation of being publicly called out. Instead of focusing on how to do better, you're focused on protecting yourself from further attack.

We can all remember what that feels like—being kicked when we're already down.

Having our worst moment highlighted and used against us. Being defined by our failure rather than given space to grow from it.

Locker Room, Living Room, Boardroom

I have been that guy. In the locker room, the living room, and the boardroom. I've made the costly mistake, felt the crushing weight of it, and then had someone else pile on by calling me out.

I didn't need someone to point out my error—I was already drowning in awareness of it. I didn't need someone to express their disappointment—I was already disappointed in myself. What I needed was someone to see that I was struggling, to help me understand what went wrong, and to remind me that one mistake doesn't define me.

But that's not usually what happens, is it? Our cultural default is to call people out. To point out the failure. To express frustration or anger. To make sure they know they messed up, as if they don't already know. We do this at work, in our relationships, with our kids, on our teams.

And here's what calling someone out actually accomplishes: it makes them feel worse, yes, but it doesn't make them do better. It creates defensiveness, not openness. It produces shame, not growth. It damages the relationship instead of strengthening it.

Research on feedback and performance shows that punitive, shame-based responses to mistakes actually decrease learning and increase the likelihood of future errors. When people feel attacked, their brain goes into threat mode—fight, flight, or freeze. They're not in a state to learn, reflect, or improve. They're in survival mode, trying to protect themselves from judgment.

The irony is that calling someone out when they've already failed doesn't serve anyone. It doesn't help the person who made the mistake. It doesn't improve team performance. It doesn't strengthen relationships. It just creates more pain and distance.

And yet we keep doing it, often because it's what was done to us. We were called out when we failed, so we call others out. The cycle perpetuates.

Watch the video that inspired this article

Call Out Culture is All Around Us

As a therapist who works with men navigating leadership, fatherhood, and relationships, I see the impact of call-out culture constantly. Men describe being shamed for mistakes as children and carrying that shame into adulthood. Leaders tell me about team members who shut down after being publicly criticized. Fathers realize they're replicating the harsh feedback style their own fathers used.

The pattern is destructive, and breaking it requires conscious choice. We cannot control how other people react to our mistakes—some people will always default to calling out. But we can control how we respond when people in our lives are less than their best.

This isn't about lowering standards or avoiding accountability. It's about understanding that calling people up to their potential is far more effective than calling them out for their failures.

Research on growth mindset, psychological safety, and effective feedback consistently shows that people perform better, learn faster, and stay more engaged when mistakes are treated as opportunities for growth rather than grounds for shame.

I've seen this transformation in my own life and in the lives of the men I work with. When we shift from calling out to calling up, relationships deepen, teams perform better, children develop resilience, and the people around us feel safe to take risks, admit mistakes, and grow.

Choose the Call Up

So what does it look like to call someone up instead of calling them out? It's a three-step process:

Start by Validating How They're Feeling

When someone makes a mistake, they're already feeling it. Before you say anything about what went wrong or what needs to change, acknowledge their emotional state.

"I can see you're really crushed right now." "I know this feels awful." "I can tell you're disappointed in yourself."

This validation does something powerful: it tells the person you see them as a human being, not just as someone who made an error. It creates psychological safety. It signals that you're not about to attack them when they're vulnerable.

Be Curious About What Led to the Error

Instead of immediately explaining what they should have done differently, get curious about what happened from their perspective.

"Help me understand what happened." "Walk me through what was going on for you." "What got in the way?"

This curiosity serves multiple purposes. First, it treats the person with respect—you're genuinely interested in their experience rather than assuming you already know everything. Second, it often reveals contributing factors you weren't aware of—maybe they were overwhelmed, under-resourced, or dealing with something you didn't know about. Third, it helps them reflect on their own behavior in a constructive way rather than a defensive one.

Call Them Up to Do Better

Finally, after validating their feelings and understanding what happened, call them up to their potential.

"This doesn't define you." "I know this will be different next time." "You're better than this moment, and I believe you'll figure this out." "What will you do differently going forward?"

This is where you hold the standard high while maintaining respect and belief in the person. You're not excusing the mistake. You're not lowering expectations. You're separating the person from the error and expressing confidence in their ability to learn and improve.

Calling someone up is fundamentally different from calling them out. Calling out says: "You failed, and I'm making sure you know it." Calling up says: "You failed, and I believe you're capable of better."

Raise them Up

When you call people up instead of calling them out, something remarkable happens: instead of knocking someone down in their moment of weakness, you raise them up and give them an opportunity to shine.

The team member who dropped the ball doesn't just recover—they become more committed and perform better because they experienced grace in failure. Your child who made a mistake doesn't just avoid that error—they develop resilience and self-compassion because they learned that mistakes don't define them. Your partner who was inconsiderate doesn't just apologize—they feel safe being imperfect in the relationship, which paradoxically makes them more willing to grow.

• Imagine a workplace where mistakes are learning opportunities instead of grounds for shame. Where people take intelligent risks because they know failure won't be met with humiliation. Where teams improve rapidly because feedback is constructive and curious rather than punitive.

• Imagine a home where your children learn that mistakes are part of growth. Where they come to you when they mess up instead of hiding it. Where they develop healthy self-esteem because you've modeled separating their worth from their performance.

• Imagine relationships where you and your partner can be imperfect without fear of judgment. Where you can say "I messed up" and be met with curiosity and support rather than "I told you so." Where growth happens together because you've created safety for failure.

The men who master calling up instead of calling out become the leaders people want to follow, the partners people feel safe with, and the fathers who raise resilient children. They break the cycle of shame-based feedback and create environments where people thrive.

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Creating Cultures of Growth in Victoria, BC

At the Scriven Program, we help men develop leadership, communication, and relational skills that call people up to their potential rather than out for their failures. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, our practice specializes in helping men create psychological safety in their teams, relationships, and families.

Our services for men learning to call people up include:

Individual therapy to explore your own experiences of being called out and develop new response patterns

Leadership coaching to create team cultures where mistakes become learning opportunities

Relationship work to build partnerships based on grace and growth rather than shame and defensiveness

Fatherhood guidance to raise resilient children who see mistakes as opportunities to grow

The shift from calling out to calling up isn't just about being nicer—it's about being more effective as a leader, partner, and father.

Contact the Scriven Program to learn how to create environments where people feel safe to fail, learn, and ultimately excel.