Power To vs. Power Over
Power to is much better than power over.
But most men don't know the difference. And that confusion is creating a painful double bind.
Our relationship to power depends on whether we're wielding it or experiencing it. For men, power can feel like both a birthright and a trap. Society tells us to be powerful, to take charge, to be in control. But the same society condemns us when we use that power in ways that feel controlling, dominating, or oppressive.
So we try to do the right thing. We rein it in. We make ourselves smaller. We go along to get along. We downplay our opinions, soften our presence, apologize for taking up space. We try to be less intimidating, less domineering, less of what we're afraid others see when they see a man with power.
In the process, we dim our own light. We become less powerful not just over others, but within ourselves. We lose access to our own strength, our voice, our capacity to make an impact.
We trade one problem for another—from potentially abusing power to abandoning it altogether.
The question haunts us: How can I be strong without alienating the people I care about? How can I be powerful without being oppressive? How can I take up space without taking space away from others?
For many men, this feels like an impossible tightrope. Be powerful, but not too powerful. Be strong, but not threatening. Lead, but don't dominate. The balance feels elusive, and the fear of getting it wrong keeps us playing small.
Taking Up Space
As a tall guy with a big voice, I am acutely aware of the space I take up. For many years, I tried to be smaller. I softened my voice, minimized my opinions, made myself less present in rooms. I was trying to be less powerful over the situations and people around me. Less me.
I convinced myself this was the ethical choice. That making myself smaller was how I avoided abusing the power that came with being a man, being tall, having a presence. That diminishing myself was the responsible thing to do.
But what I was actually doing was confusing two completely different kinds of power: power over and power to.
Understanding Power
I meet with men every week who are trying to walk the same tightrope. Successful professionals who downplay their achievements to avoid seeming arrogant. Fathers who struggle to set boundaries because they're afraid of being authoritarian. Partners who suppress their needs to avoid being controlling. Leaders who hesitate to make decisions because they don't want to be domineering.
They're all trying to solve the same problem: How can I be strong without alienating my colleagues at work, my family at home, and the people in my life?
The struggle is real, and it's rooted in a fundamental confusion. We've been taught that power is something you have over others—the ability to control, dominate, or impose your will. And because we don't want to be that kind of man, we try to have less power. We make ourselves smaller, quieter, less present.
But this creates its own problems. When you abandon your power entirely, you can't advocate for yourself. You can't set healthy boundaries. You can't lead effectively. You can't show up fully in your relationships. You become resentful of the people you're trying not to overpower, because you're constantly suppressing yourself to accommodate them.
Research on healthy masculinity and leadership shows that men who try to eliminate their power entirely often end up passive, resentful, or periodically explosive—the suppressed power bursts out in unhealthy ways. The solution isn't to have no power. It's to understand a different kind of power altogether.
Power Over vs Power To
As a therapist working with men navigating this exact tension, I've learned that the problem isn't power itself—it's how we understand and use it. The distinction between "power over" and "power to" is transformative, both personally and professionally.
Power over is about control, dominance, and imposing your will on others. It's transactional and extractive. It diminishes others to elevate yourself. It's the power that creates fear, resentment, and resistance.
Power to is about capacity, agency, and positive influence. It's the power to heal, to accept, to love, to lift up, to inspire. It's generative rather than extractive. It elevates others alongside yourself. It creates respect, trust, and genuine connection.
The men who struggle most with power are often the ones trying to eliminate "power over" by abandoning power altogether. But you don't solve the problem of unhealthy power by having no power. You solve it by developing a different relationship with power—shifting from power over to power to.
Shifting the Power
So how do you make this shift? It starts with three recognitions:
Recognize That Controlling Behavior Comes From Feeling Out of Control
When men try to exert power over others—micromanaging, controlling, dominating—it's usually not because they feel powerful. It's because they feel powerless.
The boss who micromanages is often someone who feels their own position is unstable.
The partner who's controlling is often someone who feels deeply insecure in the relationship.
The father who dominates is often someone who feels terrified of losing authority.
The irony is that trying to control others never makes you feel more in control of yourself. It just creates resistance, distance, and more chaos.
Real power starts with taking responsibility for your own internal experience rather than trying to control external circumstances. When you address your own anxiety, insecurity, or sense of chaos, the need to control others naturally diminishes.
Reframe Power as Something You Give, Not Something You Use
This is the core shift: power isn't something you wield to control others. It's something you cultivate to serve others.
Power to heal: using your strength to help others recover from pain. Power to accept: creating space for people to be imperfect without judgment. Power to love: showing up fully in relationships without needing to control outcomes. Power to lift up: using your platform, resources, or influence to elevate others. Power to inspire: being the example that helps others see what's possible.
When you think of power this way, you stop trying to make yourself smaller. You recognize that your strength, your voice, your presence, your capacity—these aren't things to suppress. They're things to develop and direct toward service.
You don't need less power. You need to use your power differently. Not for control, but for contribution.
Step Into Your Power as a Form of Service, Not Self-Service
The men who use power most effectively understand that real power is in service of something beyond themselves.
As a leader, your power isn't for building your empire—it's for creating conditions where your team can excel. As a father, your power isn't for maintaining authority—it's for creating safety where your children can develop into themselves. As a partner, your power isn't for getting your way—it's for creating a relationship where both people can thrive.
This reframe changes everything. You're no longer trying to be less powerful to avoid being oppressive. You're becoming more powerful so you can be more useful.
You stop apologizing for your height, your voice, your presence, your strength. Instead, you ask: How can I use these gifts in service of others? How can my power create more power for the people around me?
Power Generator
When you shift from power over to power to, you stop playing small and start showing up fully—not as a dominating force, but as a generative one.
You bring your full voice to conversations, not to control the outcome but to contribute meaningfully.
You set clear boundaries, not to dominate others but to create healthy relationships.
You make decisions with confidence, not to impose your will but to provide clarity and direction.
You take up space, not at the expense of others but in service of something larger than yourself.
That's the "power to." And what a way to charge up your life.
You don't need less power. You need a better relationship with power. And when you shift from power over to power to, everything changes.
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Developing Healthy Power in Victoria, BC
At the Scriven Program, we help men develop a healthy relationship with power—shifting from power over to power to. Located in Victoria, British Columbia, and serving clients virtually across North America, our practice specializes in helping men step into their strength without becoming controlling or oppressive.
Our services for men navigating power include:
Individual therapy to explore your relationship with power and develop healthier expressions of strength
Leadership development that reframes power as service rather than control
Relationship coaching to help you show up powerfully without dominating
Support for fathers learning to use their authority to create safety rather than fear
You don't need to make yourself smaller. You need to understand power differently—and use it in service of something larger than yourself.
Contact the Scriven Program to begin developing power to rather than power over.
